Tourist Asks if Ice Is Safe, Proceeds to Get Drunk, Pet a Monkey, and Lose Passport
By KIP DUNGWORTH, STAFF REPORTER
KOH PHI PHI, THAILAND — A British tourist’s brief flirtation with caution ended in predictably spectacular failure Tuesday, after he opened his day by asking if the ice was safe to drink — and closed it by blacking out, befriending a wild monkey, and misplacing his passport somewhere between a beach bar and a questionable tattoo parlor.
The man, identified by hostel staff only as “Liam,” reportedly sipped carefully on his first Chang of the day, asking multiple times whether the ice was “from clean water, like, filtered or whatever.” Staff assured him it was. Witnesses say Liam then nodded solemnly, drank the entire thing in one go, and immediately ordered six more.
By mid-afternoon, he was seen leading a conga line of similarly sunburned Australians into a beach bar featuring two-for-one cocktail buckets and “discount jet ski rides”.
During a game of King’s cup, a small Long-tailed Macaque — believed to be part of a loosely supervised beach troupe — climbed onto Liam’s shoulders and began rifling through his backpack.
Instead of removing the monkey, Liam allegedly named it “Derek” and invited it to join him “on tour.”
It is unclear when the monkey departed, but Liam's passport, wallet, and common sense appear to have absconded along with the diminutive primate.
“He kept shouting ‘It’s fine, it’s fine, I’m vibing,’” said a bartender at one of the beachfront bars. “That’s usually when it’s not fine.”
Staff at the island’s tiny police post confirmed a tourist had filed a missing passport report around midnight. The tourist had smelled strongly of regret and banana rum, they added.
However, the Brit’s chipper worldview appears to be undaunted. He is understood to have taken a forgiving view in the hostel common room, arguing that "if the monkey took it, he probably needed it."
As of press time, Liam was last seen trying to book a ferry ticket with a damp photocopy of his driver’s license and an Oyster card.