The Farang Standard Weekly Horoscopes

Your horoscopes for the week of 14 July 2025

Aries

You’ll throw yourself a birthday party, forget to invite anyone, then pretend it was ‘intentional solitude’. Your karaoke performance will summon ghosts, according to your Thai colleagues. This week’s helmet: Fluorescent motocross with a cracked visor.

Taurus

You’ll expect gifts, silence, and devotion — and be personally offended by a cupcake. Someone will wrap you socks and you’ll interpret it as a declaration of war. This week’s helmet: Vintage Vespa bucket, lightly moldy.

Gemini

You’ll lie about your age twice before cake is served. Half your friends think you're turning 24, the other half think you're 38 — none are correct. This week’s helmet: Half-face, glitter pink, full chaos.

Cancer

You’ll cry before, during, and after your own birthday dinner. Someone will say ‘you’ve changed’ and you’ll spiral for a week. This week’s helmet: Hello Kitty knockoff with emotional padding.

Leo

You’ll demand a surprise party, then critique the lighting, food, and guest list. Somehow, it still ends with applause. This week’s helmet: Gold full-face with built-in speaker and zero humility.

Virgo

You’ll host your own birthday and stress-clean during it. Guests will leave with color-coded party favors and performance anxiety. This week’s helmet: German WWII replica (don’t ask why).

Libra

You’ll RSVP to six birthday events — and schedule nothing for your own. Each party will feature outfits, lies, and exes. This week’s helmet: Matte black cafe racer, designed to impress no one and everyone.

Scorpio

You’ll fake forgetting your birthday, then glare at anyone who doesn’t remember. Expect intense eye contact over lukewarm lava cake. This week’s helmet: Custom skull-graphic full-face with silent judgment.

Sagittarius

You’ll start your birthday in Bangkok and end it in Cambodia, losing two wallets and gaining one mysterious tattoo in the process. This week’s helmet: Army surplus with three Naruto stickers.

Capricorn

You’ll insist birthdays are meaningless and then spiral when no one texts. A coworker’s ‘happy bday’ will reduce you to tears. This week’s helmet: Industrial construction style, OSHA-compliant.

Aquarius

You’ll plan a joint birthday party for humanity. No one comes. You vibe alone with a cake shaped like a UFO. This week’s helmet: Open-face retro with weird antenna and righteous delusion.

Pisces

You’ll read too much into a birthday wish from your ex and spend the day making sad playlists. By midnight, you’ll be standing knee deep in the shallows of the Chao Phraya whispering secrets to ducks. This week’s helmet: Iridescent full-dome with foggy visor, smelling of popcorn.