The Farang Standard Weekly Horoscopes

Your horoscopes for the week of 21 July 2025

Aries

You’ll plan a dinner date and forget you hate people who chew. Your rage will simmer just beneath the pad kra pao. This week’s cellphone model: Huawei P30 with mysterious stains.

Taurus

Romance is in the air, along with the fish sauce fumes from the soi. You’ll ghost someone mid-dinner then blame ‘bad signal’. This week’s ominous cellphone: iPhone 6s with a cracked screen.

Gemini

You’ll flirt with three people in one night and accidentally double-book dinner. Somehow, you’ll convince them to share a table. This week’s ominous cellphone: Samsung Flip Z, haunted by the dying screams of its previous owner.

Cancer

You’ll attempt emotional intimacy over shared som tam and spiral into existential dread before dessert. Your date will call you ‘intense’ — they’re not wrong. This week’s ominous cellphone: Oppo Reno, with a preloaded horoscope app.

Leo

You’ll be mistaken for the waiter twice and still insist you’re the main course. Your date will fake a phone call and vanish. This week’s ominous cellphone: iPhone 15 Pro Max.

Virgo

You’ll arrive early, order for two, and spend a lacklustre dinner micromanaging napkin folds. Your date will leave ‘for the bathroom’ and never return. This week’s ominous cellphone: a cold, immortal Nokia 3310 with a battery from Lazada.

Libra

You’ll choose a dinner spot based on aesthetics, ignore the food, and compliment the lighting. Your date will fall in love with the ambience, not you. This week’s ominous cellphone: Google Pixel 8.

Scorpio

You’ll seduce someone over moo kata and slip into psychological warfare mode. They’ll cry by dessert. You’ll think it was a successful night. This week’s ominous cellphone: BlackBerry Curve, holding secrets from 2009.

Sagittarius

You’ll suggest dinner but end up on a night boat to nowhere with a stranger named Marnie. Someone’s wallet will vanish. Probably yours. This week’s ominous cellphone: Xiaomi Redmi Note with a stylus.

Capricorn

You’ll treat a dinner date like a board meeting. Your date will admire your focus, then report you to HR. This week’s ominous cellphone: iPhone SE, because you believe in efficiency, not joy.

Aquarius

You’ll bring your date to an experimental vegan pop-up. They’ll pretend to enjoy it until they Uber Eats a burger mid-meal. This week’s ominous cellphone: Fairphone 4 — ethical, odd, and perpetually buffering.

Pisces

You’ll fall in love over shared noodles and projected fantasies. They’ll mention their ex once and you’ll write a novella. This week’s ominous cellphone: Sony Xperia — emotional, obsolete, and damp.