The Farang Standard Weekly Horoscopes
Your horoscopes for the week of 28 July 2025
Aries
You’ll get scammed by a tuk-tuk driver named Lucky. You’ll yell, tip extra, and leave a scathing review on Google maps. This week’s coping mechanism: venting in all caps on a Facebook expat group.
Taurus
You’ll buy ‘real saffron’ from a man with no teeth and a laminated badge. You knew better. This week’s coping mechanism: cooking an angry paella and never speaking of it again.
Gemini
You’ll fall for the ‘Grand Palace closed today’ classic—again. This week’s coping mechanism: retelling the story like it was an elaborate prank you were in on.
Cancer
You’ll get emotionally manipulated by a soi fortune teller and hand over your life savings in exchange for a grubby quartz crystal. This week’s coping mechanism: crying in Lumpini Park while feeding monitor lizards.
Leo
You’ll be promised VIP bottle service and end up in a storage room with a disco ball. This week’s coping mechanism: ordering champagne alone and pretending it’s performance art.
Virgo
You’ll trust a flyer that says ‘Government Gem Sale—Today Only.’ This week’s coping mechanism: itemizing your regret and updating your ‘Never Again’ spreadsheet.
Libra
You’ll be seduced into buying three handmade scarves and a marriage proposal. This week’s coping mechanism: sipping overpriced rooftop cocktails while softly humming 'La Vie en Rose.'
Scorpio
You’ll be lured into a custom suit shop and psychologically dismantled by a man named Tony. This week’s coping mechanism: plotting his downfall from your Airbnb balcony with a glass of overpriced red wine.
Sagittarius
You’ll join a ‘free’ temple tour that ends in a three-hour lecture about crypto. This week’s coping mechanism: impulsively booking a train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai and realizing you’re out of mobile data as you leave the station.
Capricorn
You’ll get tricked into buying ‘VIP visa assistance’ from a man in Crocs. This week’s coping mechanism: rage-emailing your boss.
Aquarius
You’ll sign up for a Muay Thai workshop and end up selling essential oils in a group chat. This week’s coping mechanism: giving a TED Talk about the experience to your cat.
Pisces
You’ll give money to a man claiming his dog needs Wi-Fi. It felt real. This week’s coping mechanism: romanticizing it as a karmic exchange while journaling under a scented mosquito coil.