Introverted Expat Endures Sixth Hour of Disco-Themed Kickons After “Dinner” Becomes Unplanned Restaurant Rave
By KIP DUNGWORTH, STAFF REPORTER
BANGKOK, THAILAND — What began as a casual Wednesday night meal for Simon Thails, a 38-year-old British web designer with an ironclad “no plans after 9” policy, escalated into a disco-fueled, self-imposed hostage scenario stretching into its sixth hour early Thursday morning.
Sources close to the ThaiTanic Expats group chat say the evening was originally billed as “dinner with some friends” at a mid-tier Italian restaurant in Ekkamai. By 8:15 p.m., the restaurant’s owner Sergio Rossi—described by witnesses as “deeply invested in retro LED lighting and Abba”—had dimmed the chandeliers, cranked up a 122-BPM remix of “Dancing Queen” and started handing out free shots of something neon and syrupy.
“It definitely stopped being about food around the second round of limoncello,” said expat Linda Broughton, of Melbourne, who made a graceful exit shortly after the Bluetooth karaoke mic appeared.
Trapped between social obligation and his own lack of spine, Simon remained seated as the chairs were systematically cleared by grinning waitstaff and someone’s crypto friend started spinning “deep house with psytrance vibes.”
Despite visibly flinching at every drop, Thails stayed seated in a corner chair nursing a soon-warm Chang and whispering “I should go soon” to no one in particular. It is understood that his reluctance to find an exit or an effective excuse may possibly be related to an unrequited crush on dinner host and group chat admin Tiffany Bondecker, of Alabama.
“It was painful, man. We’re all up there dancing and this dweeby guy is just sitting there in the corner wincing and trying to nod along in time to the music. Christ, shoot me if I can’t string a move to a classic disco hit,” said one expat who requested anonymity.
Thails’ efforts to extract himself included a fake phone call, three separate visits to the toilet, and one attempted Irish goodbye thwarted by a man in a feather boa. At one point he made it outside but was too scared to call a Grab in sight of revelers in the smoking area.
“He just stood there looking awkward for about three minutes and then turned back inside,” said Bondecker, a member of the smoking circle. “It was painful to look at.”
Sources report Thails stayed until 4.30am, when the remainder of revilers left the restaurant to walk to an alleged “all night club.” Thails was unable to verify the existence of said club, as he slipped away from the group as they entered a 7/11.
Simon’s dignity has been described as “fragile but stable” since the incident. A source with knowledge of the ThaiTanic Expats chat says, Thails’ Thursday morning yoga class was canceled due to disruption of his self-proclaimed “finely tuned sleep equilibrium.”
“But he said he had fun,” said the source, shrugging.