FBI Shocked as D.B. Cooper Discovered Living Quietly in Pattaya, Running Pool League and Dating Two Barmaids
By TRENT MACGUFFIN, EDITORIAL INTERN
PATTAYA, THAILAND — In a twist stranger than the truth, U.S. federal investigators say they’ve finally located the remains of one of America’s most elusive fugitives — not in a forest or remote bunker, but behind the pool table at a modest beer bar off Soi Buakhao.
D.B. Cooper — the pseudonymous hijacker who vanished in 1971 with $200,000 in ransom money — is reportedly dead of a heart attack after decades of going by “Uncle Doug,” a leathery, chain-smoking fixture of the Pattaya pool scene.
“We had a tip-off in 2011 from a tourist who said the guy buying everyone tequila shots looked ‘weirdly like that skyjacker sketch,’” said an FBI spokesperson. “Now we’ve checked: the age, fingerprints, and attitude all lined up.”
Locals say “Uncle Doug,” whose real identity is still under wraps, had been in Pattaya for more than four decades. He founded the long-running Wednesday Night 8-Ball League, insisted on chalking every cue personally, and reportedly dated two barmaids named Apple and iPhone.
“He always paid cash,” said one bar manager who declined to be named. “And he tipped exactly $2.73. Every time. American bills.”
Despite the international significance of the discovery, many in the expat community are unfazed.
“Yeah, we figured he was someone,” said Mikey Malone, longtime Pattaya old boy. “But honestly, half the lads here are hiding from something. Interpol, alimony, LinkedIn.”
“We’ve spent decades looking for this guy,” one federal source said. “Turns out he was exactly where we should have expected — hiding in plain sight, surrounded by other men with secrets, sunburns and expired visas.”
As of press time, Cooper’s body has been sent to Bangkok for repatriation.