Farang Starts International Incident After Suggesting Auntie’s Jasmine Rice Lacks “Texture Control”
By KIP DUNGWORTH, STAFF REPORTER
BANGKOK, THAILAND — A British expat’s attempt at “constructive feedback” ended in culinary carnage and minor diplomatic fallout Tuesday, after he told a 72-year-old street food vendor in Bang Na that her jasmine rice lacked “texture control.”
The comment, offered by one Oliver Winthrop III, of Surrey, 38, came mid-mouthful during lunch at Auntie Malee’s khao man gai stall, a neighborhood fixture operating without incident since the Cold War. Witnesses say Winthrop — a former UX designer turned self-described “food systems disruptor” — had been “auditing” Bangkok’s chicken rice offerings for his upcoming Substack newsletter, The Broth Report.
“He said it like he was Gordon Ramsay with a head injury,” said James Cook, a fellow British expat who claimed partial responsibility for introducing Winthrop to the stall. “I just wanted lunch. Now I think I need to move to Cambodia.”
Auntie Malee, known for her decades-long refusal to measure anything and her refusal to care what you think, reportedly responded with a calm yet surgical character assassination in Thai, pausing only to top up her ice water and call him “som tam without the tam.”
According to sources close to the chili sauce, tensions escalated when Winthrop pulled out a notebook labeled “Mouthfeel Matrix” and asked if she had ever considered “al dente steaming.”
The resulting scene — described by one onlooker as “the culinary version of Brexit” — drew a small crowd, a few Instagram live streams, and at least one community officer who was mostly there for the rice.
Winthrop was later seen trying to flag a Grab while explaining to no one that he was “actually celebrating her flavors through critique.” He was last spotted Googling “how to say umami in Thai” near Central Bang Na.
No charges were filed, but an unofficial ban has reportedly been placed on Winthrop by at least three nearby vendors, two taxi drivers, and one elderly fruit seller who didn’t witness the event but “just has a feeling.”
Auntie Malee declined to comment, though she did silently increase the price of rice for visibly white men by 10 baht.
The British Embassy issued a statement reminding nationals abroad to “engage respectfully with local customs,” adding, “We will not be providing rice-related evacuation services.”