American Worker Reaches “China Speed” By Accidentally Running Phuket Red Light On Rented Scooter
By JOHAN YIVES JOHANOPOLIS, EDITOR-AT-LARGE
PHUKET, THAILAND — In a confused bid to embrace China’s famously rapid work ethic—often hailed online as “China Speed”—an American digital marketer achieved unexpected results on Tuesday afternoon, blazing through a Phuket intersection at approximately Mach Regret, an unofficial but widely accepted measurement for errors caused by enthusiasm, jetlag, and poorly calculated scooter rental choices.
Matthew “Matt” Anderson, 29, who recently moved to Thailand after quitting his mid-level tech job in San Francisco “to find authenticity and pad Thai,” claims he was “just in the zone,” blissfully unaware of traffic signals as he mentally rehearsed his LinkedIn post about personal growth and productivity breakthroughs.
Witnesses described the incident as “a blur of ill-advised tattoos, helmetless optimism, and mumbled startup jargon.” Traffic cameras reportedly caught Anderson mid-intersection, mouth agape, eyes widening with the slow-motion realization that Phuket’s traffic rules apply even when one is experiencing an epiphany.
“I was mentally writing a post about achieving peak productivity through cross-cultural immersion,” Anderson later explained to traffic police, still visibly shaken. “Then suddenly there was just honking and shouting in Thai, which didn’t seem authentic at all.”
Fortunately, Anderson’s reckless journey to the speed of regret ended without serious injury, bar to his dignity. Bystanders reported multiple Thai drivers calmly shaking their heads in disappointment at “another scooter farang who thinks he’s on the Autobahn of spiritual awakening.”
Police officers issued Anderson a mild fine, an official warning, and an informal lecture on local road etiquette. “We told him: Phuket traffic, not Shenzhen factory,” explained officer Somchai Kamolchai.
As of press time, Anderson had tweeted about the experience, writing: “Just achieved literal #ChinaSpeed in Phuket. Lesson learned: Productivity good, intersections better. #LearningCurve #MachRegret.”